


Nth Time's The Charm

by vanishedSchism



Category: Red vs. Blue
Genre: Fluff, Gary isn't ALWAYS a dick, Gen, RvB Secret Santa, he's just ALMOST always a dick, it's honestly inspirational the shit church puts up with, who tells bad knock knock jokes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-01
Updated: 2017-01-01
Packaged: 2018-09-13 21:09:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,242
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9142300
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vanishedSchism/pseuds/vanishedSchism
Summary: Church has a lot of time to think in the 1000+ years it takes Gary to build the teleporter. And then more, with each successive failure. Turns out dying over and over and over again really helps you get to know a guy.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Here's my secret santa fic for @silverbloodwing! Now on AO3 ::)

Computers, Church quickly learned, have _terrible_ senses of humor.

Maybe not every one liked knock knock jokes, but he bet they all had something. Sheila probably really liked Shaggy Dog stories. He bet the next computer he ever had the misfortune of meeting would be just _enamored_ with puns. He sighed and ran a hand through his hair.

He wasn’t wearing armor anymore, hadn’t worn any in what must have been years (maybe hundreds of years? Who knows, he asked the computer not to tell him how much time had passed) so he _could_ do things like run his hands through his thick brown hair. It was a nice feeling, even if he was getting a little concerned about his hair thinning.

As stressful as being in the army, stuck in Bloodgulch with all those idiots had been, at least he had his helmet to keep his hands out of his hair.

He curled his hand into a fist and rested it on his leg.

“KNOCK KNOCK.”

“Computer, I swear-”

“KNOCK KNOCK CHURCH.”

There was no ignoring it. Church sighed and looked up. The bright green text almost floated above the screen in the gloom.

“Who’s there?”

“ROBIN.”

“…Robin who?”

“ROBIN YOU! I WILL TAKE EVERYTHING YOU OWN SHIZNO.”

Church groaned and put his head back in his hands. That’s how things proceeded, day in and day out. Church would sulk, the computer would tell knock knock jokes and time would pass. It wasn’t a great system, but it worked. God knew Church was used to shitty systems that somehow worked.

Church closed his eyes and tried not to think about the sky above Blood Gulch.

—

“I mean, a thousand years isn’t that bad, right? Like obviously I"m not aging because… I don’t know something that has to do with me being the coolest and clearly most likeable guy here, but if you’re not aging, is there even any point to the passage of time? No, Church, there isn’t! You’re a genius. why thank you thank you, I’ll be here for literally 857 more years.

"YOU KNOW CHURCH,” the computer said, “I AM RIGHT HERE. YOU DO NOT HAVE TO TALK TO YOURSELF.”

“And if I talk to you, what does that make me less crazy somehow? Because I really don’t think that’s how it works. _‘Local guy rants at computer screen. It responds with sarcasm and insults_ ’ isn’t a headline that implies much sanity.”  


“YOU ARE RIGHT. YOU ARE CRAZY. SHIZNO BRAINS CANNOT HANDLE THE STRAIN OF STAYING IN THE SAME PLACE FOR THOUSANDS OF YEARS. IT MUST BE SO DIFFICULT, TO BE STUCK AND COMPLETELY UNABLE TO MOVE. NO ONE COULD EVER UNDERSTAND YOUR PAIN.”  


Church glared at the screen. “So nice to see you’re trying.”

“WHAT CAN I SAY. I GUESS I AM JUST BETTER THAN YOU.”

“Yeah,” Church said, lapsing into silence. “I guess so.”

–

When the computer (Gary, it turned out his name was) there was no great fanfare. It was late and he wasn’t particularly apologetic. Honestly, Church didn’t expect anything better. 

They went over the plan, save himself, save Tex, kill the pink guy, and then he was off. Off to be a hero, off to prove some point behind a thousand years of suffering off to save Tex, hopefully. 

He shouldn’t have been so hopeful. 

Getting blown up by a tank hurts. _A lot_. He was surprised he could have forgotten that.

—

"I-I can’t do this,” he said, the irresistible force of gravity pulling him to his knees.

He buried his head in his hands.

“Every time, I manage to screw it up. If I save myself, Omega kills Tucker. If I save Tucker, the pink one kills us both! If I kill the new pink guy, the orange one shoots me! I don’t know what to do!”

He slammed his fist into the ground which did nothing but jar his arm and make his fingers buzz.

For a long time, there was silence.

“KNOCK KNOCK CHURCH.”

"Gary, I’m not in the mood.“

"KNOCK KNOCK CHURCH.”

"Seriously, I just saw half my team get murdered for like the 26th time in a row. I don’t want listen to your shitty fucking jokes! I just… I just want to be alone, alright?“

For a second, he thought that would do it. Gary would finally shut up and leave him be.

And then that _damn_ mechanical voice.

"KNOCK KNOCK CHURCH.”

"Fine!“ he exploded, jumping to his feet, "fine, who’s fucking there? Not that I give a shit, but I’ll play along if it’ll make you shut up!”

For a second it seemed like Gary wasn’t going to answer. Like he’d riled Church up just because, but a moment later Gary answered.

“SNOW.”

“Snow?”

Computers can’t actually glare, but maybe the constant static changed slightly in tone.

"Oh uh, sorry,” Church mumbled. “Snow who?"

"SNOW USE. I FORGOT MY NAME AGAIN. HAHAHAHA. MY JOKES ARE HILARIOUS.”

Church laughed. He honest to god laughed, snickers that built up into uncontrollable guffaws that shook his body and brought tears to his eyes. He wiped his eyes as he tried to get control of himself.

“CHURCH?”

“Haha, wow Gary, I had no idea you could actually be funny.” 

“I DOUBT IT WAS MY JOKE THAT MADE YOU REACT THIS WAY. I AM ALWAYS THE EPITOME OF HUMOR.”

“Oh my god okay okay, hah, sure Gary.”

“THIS IS NOT FUNNY CHURCH. I DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY YOU CONTINUE TO LAUGH.”

“Me neither buddy! Hah, maybe it’s because after more than a thousand years of waiting to be the hero I’m supposed to be, every time I go back to try and actually do any of the shit I promised I would, like I don’t know, help somebody, I just fuck it up worse! It’s amazing!”

The laughter kept bubbling up, quickly moving closer and closer to being able to be described as hysterical. 

He was going to lose his mind in this fucking cave, caught in an inescapable loop of death and doom. And he was strangely okay with that.

“Gary,” he said, still chuckling, “send me back.”

—–

The failures began to fall into a rhythm too. Go back, change something, get shot in the head. Go back, change something, get shot in the back. Go back, change something, get blown up. Go back, change something, destroy Bloodgulch.

It was exhausting, yes, but not anymore exhausting than actually _existing_ in Bloodgulch.

It was like working retail. You endure hell, day in and day out, and at the end of the day, you go back and do it again.

Life, and death fall into a rythym. 

Church stood up and stretched. 

“Alright Gary, send me back.”

“KNOCK KNOCK.”

Church narrowed his eyes at the screen. “Come on, I’m actually ready to go this time. Do we really have to do this?”

“KNOCK KNOCK CHURCH.”

“Fine. Jesus fuck, fine. Who’s there?”

“ETCH.”

“What? Etch who?”

“BLESS YOU. … SHIZNO.”

Church blinked at the screen. Then he did it again, just for good measure. Of course this would be the stupid computer’s way of wishing him luck.

He sighed. “Yeah, thanks Gary. I uh, I think I might need it.”

Church took a deep breath and tried to center himself. He’d do it this time. He’d save himself, and Tucker, and Donut and even Caboose. He’d be the most badass motherfucking hero the Blues had ever seen.

He had this.

Nth time’s the charm.


End file.
